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This paper will clearly point out the positive attributes of effective parents. It also points out certain skills that parents must have to effectively shape their children’s behaviors. Effective parenting includes developing and clarifying clear expectations, staying calm in the midst of turmoil when your child gets upset, consistently follow through with positive and negative consequences, being a positive role model, role playing corrective behaviors and lastly, praising your child for his behavior. All these things are just beginning to be researched in depth, and this brief overview gives a sound basis for understanding the interesting relationship between parents and their children.

Effective parenting has never been more important to a family’s success than today. Proper parenting shapes the coming generations, and the way the next generation will behave, affecting the world around them. History has taught us that parenting without a proper foundation has always and indefinitely lead to confusion for any developing child. That is why the attempt of trying to be a successful parent is so important and will be the most important job of one’s life. Knowing what healthy methods are best for one’s child during parenting is time consuming but a rewarding effort.

Before one concentrates his efforts on disciplining a child for misconduct, one must have a strategy, or game plan, for teaching their child how they are expected to behave (Christophersen, 2003, pg. 680). In addition, parents must model the appropriate behavior for their children if they want their children to be successful in their behavior, but that will be discussed later.

First, developing clear expectation of what both parents want is the basis and the first steps to parenting. Depending on the background, or what is deemed as right and wrong, parents, within reason, should plan and communicate their expectation to each other. Creating a list of expectations (such as social, academic, religious, family oriented, personal appearance or hygiene) for different settings and activities will help parents be very specific and concrete in teaching their children (Burke, 1997, pg. 73).  Some expectations are certainly more demanding than others; however, parents must take into consideration the child’s age, ability, developmental status, and resources that are available to the family (Burke, 1997, pg. 73). For example, expecting a four year old child to prepare dinner for the family and then punishing him for not meeting the expectations is very unreasonable due to his developmental status and age, as one can see. Ray Burke states, in his book, Common Sense Parenting, that one way to see if one’s expectations are reasonable is to answer these three questions: 1) Have you (as a parent) taught the expectation to your children, 2) Can your children clearly understand the expectations given, and 3) Can your children model and perform what you have expected (Burke, 1997, pg. 74-75). Clearly these three questions cover the majority of whether ones expectations for their child are realistic or not due to the child’s age and ability.

Second, once both parents have set appropriate expectations and rules for their child, the next step is to communicate those expectations clearly to their child in word and in deed. One question to take into consideration is how one plans on communicating those expectations verbally (Burke, 1997, pg. 77).  For example, if a child draws on the kitchen table, keeping the feedback positive and specific on what they should have done will have a clearer understanding of how he or she should perform in the future when confronted with a similar situation. Another question is how is one going to communicate those expectations through one’s behavior (Burke, 1997, pg. 77).  By acting out the expectations that the parents have clearly stated to the child, the child will associate the “perfect model,” from the parents.

Finally, another way of getting to express clear communicative expectations is to hold family meetings together. The family can set time out of the week to express what expectations are to be held within the family household, as well as going over any concerns or clarifications between both parents and the child. Doing this will only help improve the child’s behavior for the better not communicating expectations and then punishing one’s child can cause confusion, anger, and in sometimes spite in the child (Dodson, 1923, pg. 43).

Staying calm is an important part before applying any positive or negative consequences to your child’s behavior. As Ray Burke states, “children can be sarcastic, defiant, rebellious, and possibly violent. Parents have to prepare themselves for times like these and learn to keep their cool (Burke, 1997, pg. 83).” There are times when children will make their parents so furious that the parents get caught up in the moment and as a result are not able to think properly. The parents must be aware of what is going on around them, they must know their limits to which the child pushes, and redirect situations back in focus to properly respond otherwise? Some tips that Burke offers in his book, Common Sense Parenting, are to; practice positive thinking, to not take what your child says personally, to keep focus on behaviors instead of what you think the reasons are for your child’s misbehaviors, and if you ever get angry and say or do something you regret, to always go back and say you are sorry (Burke, 1997, pg. 87-89).

Positive consequences are used to increase or encourage desirable behaviors (Dodson, 1923, pg. 12). Catching your child doing good acts and following directions are great examples of when to apply a positive consequence. Positive consequences can range from short term rewards (such as candy and extra play time) to long term rewards (such as trips and gifts). Also you must use positive consequences that will work for your child, as well as using consequences that don’t cost money (e.g. helping mom while she loads the groceries into the van for being so good while in the grocery store shopping). Creating a reward system can be helpful in shaping behavior (Dodson, 1923, pg. 13).  A list of actions you want him to do less of and rewarding him when the opportunity to disobey is given but avoided, and a list of actions you want him to do more of (Dodson, 1923, pg. 13). Everything listed above will give you clear expectations of when and why positive consequences are given.

Negative consequences are defined as, “adding a negative consequence to prevent or decrease a certain behavior, which is problematic, or taking away something that the child holds dear” (Hurlock, 1929, pg. 87). Doing extra chores in the house, taking away a positive, and having no television for the night are examples of negative consequences. Children will soon realize that the behaviors that are causing these consequences are to be avoided. As Burke states, “finding a negative consequence that works effectively is quite a challenge and if your child misbehaves remember to stay calm” (Burke, 1996, pg. 47). Staying calm and focusing on one will help your child learn the appropriate behaviors.

Everything mentioned prior would hold absolutely no water and crumble to failure if it is not being done with consistency. Consistency is the “backbone” to discipline (Cutts, 1952, pg. 7). As Cutts states in his book, Better Home Discipline, “You must be consistent in what you ask and forbid and in what you punish…if not, inconsistency between both parents could lead to certain paralysis (Cutts, 1952, pg. 7).” To a child, inconsistency gives double messages; children need to know where they stand in their behaviors (Braga, 1975, pg. 31). Consistency is the key to being a successful parent, showing the child that you are reliable and serious.

Do what I say and not what I do is a common phrase that is often repeated; however it only confuses children. Children will not do what the parent says, since they will do what the parents have modeled. Children model the behaviors that the parent has presented to them time and time again. Looking at the messages one sends to his or her child is easily seen by analyzing one’s own behaviors. The parents’ main goal is to always set a positive example that the children can model by (Burke, 1997, pg 150).

Role playing proper behavior with the child is another way of role modeling. Role playing with your child is another method to teach your children proper behavior without resorting to the use of punishments or consequences. Each and every time you practice doing the right thing in a situation with your child; you increase the chances for their success and decrease the likelihood that your child will see that problem behavior in the future (Burke, 1997, pg. 97). Robert Eimers provides a simple four step role playing format helps parents teach their child appropriate behaviors. These four steps are one: 1) taking roles, swapping roles with your child, 2) set the stage, narrate the situation that occurred for your child; 3) begin the role play, and 4) give critiques by giving feedback on the performance, using praises when needed (Eimers, 1977, pg. 43). Techniques such as role playing can help a child to think in advance and rehearse adaptive responses to potentially frustrating situations, thus developing a more thoughtful and flexible response to the everyday problems that they face (Schaefer, 1982, pg. 112-113).

Ray Burke states, “Praise is powerful. Praising your child is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. Praise is nourishment. It helps your child grow emotionally, just as food helps your child grow physically” (Burke, 1997, pg. 51). One could not have summed up what the effects of praise are any better than that. Praise is a method of keeping focus on the positive of any situation. Charles Schaefers’ book, How to Influence Children, states that praise is to give a “realistic, positive appraisal of a child’s performance” (pg. 230).

The reason behind giving praise is to build up self esteem, to give a belief of personal satisfaction, with the addition of feeling secure within ones self (Hurlock, 1978, pg. 311). There is a sense of confidence that one has when one knows that someone has paid attention and has encourage them with a positive response, due to their efforts. Norma Cutts stated that praise makes you radiate “well-being” (Cutts, 1952, pg. 245). So in praising your child it will only encourage them to do well at whatever task they are faced with doing.

Some parents are afraid that their child won't change no matter what they do. Many find themselves reacting automatically when their child behaves inappropriately; as soon as he acts out, they’re yelling and screaming, or getting sucked into power struggles. And even when parents try something new, it's easy for them to get discouraged. Some try to do different things from time to time, but when these methods seem to be ineffective, they eventually give up. This is true especially if the behavior has been a problem for years and they haven't been able to do anything about it.

I’ve found that if you don't really take the time to think your response through, you often wind up simply reacting to the things your children do—and not responding effectively. Many parents become frustrated with their child’s behavior and want to give a punishment right away. Unfortunately, doing this doesn't provide any effective training to the child; in the end, it's just not helpful. There's a big difference between the words “react” and “respond.” When you react, it’s almost like a reflex—your buttons are pushed, and you go into your routine. But if you’re responding, you’re being more objective. You're still going to hold your child accountable, but you have more time to consider the consequence you’ll give him and what you want him to learn from it—and there’s less of a chance you’ll take your child’s behavior personally.

To anyone who asks the question, “Is it too late to change my parenting style?” I would say that it’s never too late. It may not always be easy, but there are effective things you can start doing right away to change the way you respond—and to improve your child’s behavior.

7 Ways to Start Parenting More Effectively

1. Decide What You Want to Work on First: One of the things I see with parents is that they don’t know where to start. But I think it’s simple: start with the things that put your child at risk. These are the behaviors that are physically or emotionally dangerous to your child or others—where he is hurting somebody physically, breaking things, or being unsafe outside of the home.

My experience is that if you want to change everything at once, you’re going to be very disappointed. Not only is that an impossible task; you're going to alienate your child. I also think parents should address the things that violate their values and morals, and that are risky to the child and others. Start there. Do we want to change everything? Well, good luck, maybe we can. But I think we want to start with the most dangerous, risky stuff, and then move forward.

2. Pinpoint Exactly What You Want to Change: I think it’s helpful for parents to break behaviors down into separate pieces and work on them one at a time. So if your child curses at you and storms up to his room and slams the door, start with the behavior you want to change most. When you talk with him, you want to break it down. Begin with, “Don't curse. That doesn't help solve the problem, and I'm offended by it. What do you think you could do differently the next time you get upset?” Your child may not be able to come up with anything, but offer some suggestions and get him to pick one option. And then say, “All right, so the next time you’re upset, instead of cursing, you’ll just go to your room.”

So work on the behavior you want to change most—then, move on to the next one. Don’t try to tackle everything at once.

3. Explain the Change: If you're going to change a specific response to a behavior, it might be helpful to sit down with your child and explain what that change is going to be. When things are going well and everybody is calm, you can say, “Oh, by the way, I wanted to tell you something. I don't think being grounded in your room all day when you use bad language is working around here. It doesn’t seem to be helping you to change. So from now on when you curse, you're going to go into your room until you write a letter of apology. Then, when you’re done with that letter, you can read it to me and we’ll talk about it. While you're in your room, I'm going to take your computer and cell phone away to make sure you stay on target.” Be clear on what you're going to do. Your child may get angry and frustrated, but don't let him turn it into an argument. Say, “I understand that it might be frustrating, but this is how I want our family to work.”

I also suggest that you don't make speeches, but keep your remarks specific and focused. Remember, speeches cut down on communication.

4. Tell Your Child What the Goal Is: I think it’s important to define your goals to your child. You can say something like, “My goal is that you don't hurt other people by saying bad words.” Or “My goal is that you don't steal money out of my wallet,” or “My goal is that you don't punch the wall,” or “My goal is that you don't throw sand in kids’ faces or bite them when you’re playing in the sandbox.” You can start out the conversation by saying, “I've noticed that when somebody teases you a little, you get really upset and you get yourself into trouble. I hate to see that, because then you get punished—and it happens all over again the next day. So from now on, let's figure out a way for you to handle this differently so that you don’t get into trouble. When someone teases you, what can you do instead?” And come up with a game plan of what he might do next time.

It’s important to realize that what comes out of your mouth doesn't always get into your child’s ear the way you want it to. And so even if your child is confused when you talk with him—he may be frustrated, worried, or angry—just try to stay calm. Whatever it is, say, “Let's just see how it works out first.” Your child doesn't have to agree; it's not a democracy. But it's a way of approaching problems that, over time, will change his perceptions of his relationship with authority—and his relationship with you.

5. Manage Opportunity: If you’re concerned that your child is going to do something hurtful or destructive, one of your options is to manage the opportunities he has. Let’s say you have a teenager who continuously gets speeding tickets. He doesn’t respond to your efforts to get him to take responsibility and drive more safely. One of the things you can do is take away his car. When you do that, you’re taking away the opportunity. It’s similar with younger kids. If they demonstrate that they won’t stop stealing money out of your wallet, take away the opportunity by putting a lock on your door or locking your purse in the trunk of your car. Opportunity management is one of the simplest ways of shaping behavior. In other words, if your daughter can’t handle the mall without throwing tantrums, don’t take her to the mall. If your son is at a restaurant and he can’t stop acting out, take him out of the restaurant. Once your child demonstrates that he can’t handle something, remove the opportunity until he shows you that he can. Often, if your child doesn't have the opportunity to do something, it won’t happen.

6. Don’t Appeal to Your Child’s Empathy: Asking your child, “Do you know how it feels when you’re disrespectful to me?” or asking, “How do you think Tommy feels when you take his lunch money?” are appeals to your child’s empathy. But children, and especially teenagers, don't experience much empathy for anybody. They are simply not in touch with those feelings. The apparatus that manages empathy in the mind is not working properly yet; some say it isn’t fully formed. Regardless of the reasons, empathy is not an approach that will convince your child of anything. Consequently, they don’t experience empathy for everyday situations, so you can’t depend on that tactic to change their behavior. Instead, you have to work with their self-interest. If you want your child to change something, you have to demonstrate that he will benefit from changing; that it’s in his self-interest. If you want your child to stop lying or manipulating, you have to frame it in a way so he can see how he would benefit from stopping that behavior. It’s not helpful to say “Can’t you see how much your manipulating hurts me?” Instead, say, “Aren’t you sick of getting grounded for manipulating? You’re the one who gets hurt when you manipulate. Remember, Josh, the consequences won’t stop until the manipulation stops. So stop doing this to yourself.”

7. Set Limits and Give Consequences: I think an important component of teaching our kids is learning how to set limits on them. There’s an old saying: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.” But I say, “You can lead a horse to water and you can't make him drink—but you can make him thirsty.” That’s what your consequences should be designed to do. Accordingly, we can’t make our child change. But if we use the right combination of consequences and motivation, we can, in a sense, make them thirsty to change.

Remember, consequences are a means to an end. And if you find an effective consequence, continue to use it. By “effective” I mean that your child responds to it, even if only for a short while. It’s not always helpful to immediately go for a bigger hammer if the consequence doesn’t appear to be working. You should always have a bigger hammer in your toolbox, but escalate slowly.

Here’s the deal: someday your child is going to change—if not for you, then for his boss, a judge, his probation officer, or his girlfriend. Hopefully he’ll change before he engages in too much self-destruction. In any case, you’re on duty now, it’s your watch, so just do the best you can.

So how do you know if you should change your parenting style? I believe that you have to change the way you parent if what you’ve been doing up until now has proven ineffective. There’s information regarding learning effective parenting styles, giving effective consequences, and ways to have conversations with your child that promote change and don’t create excuses. Do your best to access that information, both here on Empowering Parents and in other trusted places.

There are many reasons why fast-food restaurants are attractive to kids and families. They have low prices and are located near schools and high-traffic neighborhoods. In addition, fast food is heavily marketed to children and teens in TV advertising. When both parents work and arrive home late, tired, and hungry, the urge to order in or eat out is great.

So what happens to the diets of children and adolescents when they eat out instead of at home? And what is their impact on kids' weight and general health? These are some of the questions raised by a study published in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine.

The study determined that children (and teens) ate fast food and full-service restaurant food routinely, and their intake of sugar, salt, and calories was far higher when they ate out. When children ate at fast food restaurants rather than at home, they consumed more calories. When they ate at a full-service restaurant, the extra calorie count was 160.

Eating in fast food and full-service restaurants results in consuming more sugar-sweetened beverages and less milk.

Soda consumption has been linked with becoming overweight and obesity as well as an increased risk of type 2 diabetes. Foods eaten in fast food and full-service venues were associated with increases in sugar, sodium, total fat and saturated fat intakes, all of which are risk factors for overweight, hypertension, and dyslipidemia, components of metabolic syndrome.

The only positive finding was that for some kids, eating out raised their protein consumption.

Packing a school lunch rather than relying on the school cafeteria or, for many older children, on fast food restaurants nearby, is one way to ensure that children and teens are getting food that has less salt, less fat, and less sugar.

A little advance planning on the weekend -- shopping for the week and cooking some meals in advance, can help families avoid eating out so often. The cost savings for eating in can be considerable as well. When you and your children do eat out, try to choose restaurants that provide nutritional information with menu choices. Substitute milk for juice and soda, limit portion size (bag some of your food before you even begin). If you select your meal carefully from the choices on the menu, you can make eating out a healthier experience and teach your children to pay attention to what they order as well.

All content on this Web site, including medical opinion and any other health-related information, is for informational purposes only and should not be considered to be a specific diagnosis or treatment plan for any individual situation. Use of this site and the information contained herein does not create a doctor-patient relationship. Always seek the direct advice of your own doctor in connection with any questions or issues you may have regarding your own health or the health of others.

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